Shhhh! Promise not to tell anyone; it’s a secret! I heard about it on Oprah Winfrey’s show, so practically nobody knows about it yet. But I’m passing it along to you because, well, I’m one of those people who just can’t keep a secret.

When my old neighbor Bob told me he was having an affair with the school lunch lady, I only told five or six people – tops – and before you know it, it was all over town. Who could have guessed? Bob now lives in a cardboard box down on Main Street, his wife moved to San Diego.

When I told the congregation that I ran into Mrs. Nussleroad at the liquor store, I had no idea that her ex-husband would use it as an excuse try to take her kids away. Funny thing, it turns out she wasn’t buying liquor, she was asking the owner to donate money to the Community Chest. The good news? She’s almost paid off all the lawyer’s fees.

Pete and Andre haven’t spoken to me since I introduced them as “my good gay friends” at the Rotary. Sorry, guys, I thought everyone knew. In short, if you want to keep a secret, don’t mention it to me.