I’m afraid we’ll have to write you up, sir, ma’am. You are clearly in violation of several regulations. Yes, that’s right, sir. These come under the Sheryl Crow-Al Gore Act that Congress passed last year.

We have performed an audit of your toilet paper use. Yes, sir, we have a permit for that. According to the audit, you two are using more than one square per person per... per... well, you know. You recall Sheryl made a big name for herself recommending one square per... to save trees.

How did we come to the conclusion about your use? First, we checked your toilet paper purchases from the supermarket. Then we checked the flushometer on your toilet. As you know, that is wired into Flush Central computers.

Now, before you tell me you had a lot of colds in the household and used toilet tissue for them, we also checked your purchases of Kleenex and similar products. As well as cold remedies. You do not show any unusual purchases of these.

We have seen this behavior before, folks. Our computers kick out the names of people whose usage is unusually high. We’re afraid your names came up. So we’ll leave this ticket with you.