Today is the Fourth of July, and I’ve decided that I should start living my life the real American way. That’s why I’ve decided to file a frivolous lawsuit.

It took me a while to decide what the basis for my frivolous suit should be. It needs to be something so ridiculous that it attracts media attention, but still have the possibility of landing me millions of dollars that someone worked hard for, so I could someday complain about something preposterous and try to take it away. Emotional duress is always a surefire way to go. Who can put a price on something that caused you emotional pain? I can, and that price is somewhere between $18 and $70 million dollars.

It came to me in a flash. I would sue my former employer Friendly’s Restaurant for discontinuing my favorite ice cream flavor during my pregnancy. (Just the fact that I was pregnant caused me to be emotionally unstable all of the time, and the added stress of losing the Velvet Praline Crunch Ice Cream, really did me in.)