The guy who sued his dry cleaner for $54 million for losing a pair of pants has been quite an inspiration to me. Right now, I’m thinking of suing my barber for $60 million. I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it weren’t for the pants man.

I told Billy that I wanted my hair short but not THAT short. And what does he do, he goes and cuts it THAT short. I took pictures. I’ve got the evidence. What does he think – that my hair grows on trees?

It was very important that I look good that day because it was the first day of my $75 million suit against Carl, my auto mechanic. If I had looked better, I might have won the case. I might have been a little sharper on the witness stand if I wasn’t so depressed about not looking my best.

Personally, I like Carl and I hated to sue him, but he said he would have my car back on Tuesday, and it wasn’t ready until Wednesday. I was planning to take Sue to the movies that Tuesday night, and we couldn’t go. So I’m really only suing Carl for the price of the movie tickets. The rest of the money is legal fees.