Dear Maggie,

I’ve just launched a brand new advice column in a small town-city daily paper. As I’ve gone around promoting the column, everyone I’ve met has told me what a great idea they think it is, and how excited they are to start reading it. I’ve received fan mail already from readers who read the sample columns I used to sell the editor on the idea. He ran them to give readers a taste of what to expect, and everyone loved them.

So here’s my problem. Though the locals seem to love the idea of the column, none of them are writing in with questions. I can’t believe no one in the entire county has a problem that could benefit from a fresh point of view. Maybe it’s just that everyone is too shy, or afraid their issue will be recognizable. Or maybe they’re waiting to see what other people write in about before sending off their letters.

Sadly, if there are no letters, there can be no column. So please tell my readers that if they want the fun, irreverent, entertaining read this column will provide, they have to do their part. Send questions!

Thanks for any help you can offer,

Frustrated Columnist

Dear Frustrated,

Let me just give you my take on this. If no one needs advice, scrap the idea and go spend your time writing something that pays better. Your novels are doing really well, and you have a bunch coming out between now and December. So do you really need to be doing this column thing? It was just for fun anyway, and if no one’s participating, it’s not fun.

Look, for all you know, everyone in the county has a perfect life, a perfect relationship with their lover, perfect relationships with their kids, parents, friends, neighbors, bosses, teachers, students and relatives. They are utterly content with their jobs, incomes, homes, hobbies, marriages and sex lives. They don’t need advice on health, fitness, diet or exercise. They’re all lean and toned and everyone’s in the pink of health. You never see anyone frowning on the streets because everyone is so deliriously happy and content. They don’t want or need advice. Everyone is physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally flawless. So leave them alone if they don’t want to come out and play.

As an aside, it must be a really cool place to live; a place where no one in the entire county has a single problem. It sounds like Disneyland!

Best,

Maggie

(Dear readers – OK, I admit it. I wrote the above “Dear Maggie” letter to myself. Don’t make me do it again!)

Dear Maggie,

 My husband has, during the past year, developed heart problems.  One year later, after several procedures, it has yet to be corrected.  Heart problems run in his family, especially the male side, so it isn’t a surprise.  However, he has responded in an ostrich manner to this news, and only moves forward with new treatments when I am so angry at him that I could bust with frustration. 

Additionally, he has been an absolute bear.  My sweet, kind husband has recently taken the form of a tourette’s patient on crack.  He is driving me nuts!

 I am trying very hard to be patient and understand, but enough is enough already.  I truly believe that allowing him to behave in this manner is enabling him to continue.  Do you agree?  I have recommended counseling, but the testosterone response is no different in my house than anyone else’s, “NO”.

 Any advice?

Thanks.

Frustrated Female

Dear Frustrated,

Wait a sec. You’re under the impression that you can “allow” your husband to act the way you want? And how is that working out for you so far? Short of using a shock collar, I don’t see this happening.

He has his own path to walk, and you have yours. You can’t control the actions of another person. So you’re asking the wrong question. Your real question is this: Do you want to be with him, or not?

If the answer is yes, then my best advice is to pay more attention to the things he does that you like, and less attention to the things he does that drive you crazy. Comment on the things he does that make you smile. Ignore the things he does that drive you nuts. Walk away when he’s being a bear. Say, “I don’t like being around you when you act this way.” And then hasten to add, “But I love when you sit and watch a movie with me and we laugh at the same parts together. And I love when you reach over and take my hand for no reason. And I absolutely adore when you look into my eyes in that way you have. And I remember so well all the reasons I fell in love with you. You’re brilliant, and you’re kind, and you’re caring, and you’re so beautiful to me. And I know all those reasons are still there. And I love when you do healthy things for your body, because it’s a body that has meant so much to me for so long. So I’m just going to ignore the way you’re acting right now, and go away somewhere to think about all the things I love about you.” And then do just that.

You will, inevitably, inspire in him more of the things you love and less of the things you don’t.

Remember above all, his body is his body. His health is his health. You can disagree with the decisions he makes about his health care, but you can’t control them. Respect his decisions, even if you think they are the wrong ones. Tell him you disagree because you love him and want him to be around for a long time. Research his options, show him the data, tell him your opinions in a loving way. But in the end, let him decide for himself. And when he does take positive steps toward his health, (and he will) shower him with praise and tell him how good it makes you feel, and how much you respect his judgment and wisdom in taking that step.

You’ll be very surprised at the results you’ll inspire. Not only that, but your relationship will be far stronger for it.

I hasten to add that you are not babying him or enabling him or even tricking him by doing this. What you’re changing is yourself, and your focus and your attitude. You get more of whatever it is you focus on. So if your focus is on his bad decisions and grumpy behavior, that’s what you get more of. Shift that focus to the positive things about him, and you’ll get more of those. It’s a natural law, like gravity. It’s not possible for it to be otherwise.

Wishing you both healing and patience,

Maggie

Do you have a question for Maggie?

E-mail her at mshayne@evesun.com.

And she’ll answer it in a future column!

(All letters are anonymous)