I am eating macaroni and cheese. My cat is eating wild salmon stuffed with crabmeat. What is wrong with this picture? Why is my cat eating like an “Iron Chef” judge while I’m eating chum? This morning the cat had lobster in white wine sauce. I had sugar-free instant oatmeal with skim milk. Remember when pets begged for our table scraps? Now, we should be begging for theirs.

Sure, I know that they just call it “Wild Salmon Stuffed with Crabmeat” when it’s really just stuff they squeegeed up from the fish-factory floor that wasn’t good enough to become cafeteria fishsticks. But still, you’d think the people who package food for humans could at least do the same thing.

Why call it a “hot dog with catsup” when they could call it “spiced pork pate with tomato sauce and herbs?” Is that a grilled cheese sandwich you’re eating or a Panini Formaggio? Buffalo wings? Or succulent chicken in cayenne marinade with blue cheese dressing? We know what sounds better, but do our pets?