Before Senator George Mitchell’s steroid investigation rocked Major League Baseball and America, there were five lesser known – but equally devastating and important – reports created by yours truly that exposed the darkest secrets of the entertainment industry, U.S. Justice System, public school nutrition programs, and college athletics.

Like Mitchell, I specifically targeted people whose actions shattered public perceptions but didn’t necessarily warrant any punishment. Listed below is a snapshot of the groups I went after and a sample of their reactions (since the investigations cost me $20 million to conduct, the full reports with complete lists of names are for sale on-line at $19.95 each):

• Successful actors, musicians and writers who have never had drinking and/or drugs problems.

“No one feels worse about me not dying alone in a Motel 6 from the addictions I didn’t have more than I do. With that, I apologize to all my loyal fans and loved ones who’ve stood by me all these years while I wasn’t in and out of rehab. I’m sorry for anything I might have done to ruin my reputation in your eyes by not digging myself into a bottomless hole of self-loathing and self-pity as a false source of creativity. For my careful actions, I understand the perceived quality of my work will be diminished forever. That’s something I, and I alone, must live with.”