The People’s Choice Awards this year had no live ceremony, no live audience and almost no live viewers. It was a collection of pre-taped clips and the usual, “It’s an honor just to be nominated” nonsense. Or so I hear. Like most of you, I didn’t watch it.

The Golden Globe Awards show, a completely unnecessary event in the best of times, usually runs three hours long loaded with plenty of celebrity face time. This year it got reduced to an hour of film clips and talking heads. Again, that’s just what I hear. Like most of you, I didn’t watch it, either. There was no red carpet, no embarrassing acceptance speeches, no fake looks of surprise on the winners’ faces.

“Who! Me! A winner! You’ve got to kidding! I deserted my wife and kids and became an actor to fill this big empty hole inside me – not to win awards! This is such a complete shock!”

These ceremonies weren’t trimmed because the celebrities couldn’t ad lib such lines as “Nice dress, Angelina,” and “It’s a pleasure to be here tonight,” without union writers, but because most actors are in the Screen Actors Guild and would not cross the Writers Guild picket line.