There is only one basic rule to follow if you want to lose your shirt in the stock market: Buy high, sell low. It’s easy, anyone can do it. Learn a few simple technical terms and you can start losing money like a financial pro – almost overnight.

The first term is “market day.” A “market day” is any day on which the stock market is open, available for you to lose money on. On weekends and holidays, you must go to a casino or a horse track to lose money – as the stock market is closed.

A “buying opportunity” is a way for you to lose even more money than you already have. Let’s say you bought 100 shares of stock that you overheard a guy sitting in the cubicle behind you call “the next Microsoft” at $20 a share. Yesterday it fell to $10 a share. Now you have a “buying opportunity” to jump in and buy twice as many shares as you did before – for the same amount of money. Imagine what an “opportunity” you’ll have when it goes down to $5 a share! Or $2!