If I were ever made King of Chenango County, these are a few of the heavy-handed laws I’d enact immediately upon taking the throne:

Decree #1 – Ban on scratch-off lottery tickets, except if purchased and rubbed under bridges and on railroad tracks.

“Whereas, scratch-off lottery addicts will proudly log-jam check-out lanes and grocery store lobbies to feed the monkey;

“Whereas, busy people simply trying to pay for gas or groceries before or after a long day of work are forced to wait and watch as lotto-hoes scab off 40 ‘Loose Change’ tickets one at a time without any consideration for others;

“Whereas, ticket abusers – instead of being apologetic for holding up the customers behind them or being courteous and letting others have a turn at the cashier – have the nerve to appear disgusted and inconvenienced when they turn around to see they’ve caused the line to snake out the door;

“Whereas, alcoholics have bars, pot heads have form-fitting couches, coke heads have bathroom stalls, crack heads have crack houses, gluttons have buffets and porn lovers have the Internet so as to avoid getting in the way of productive society, and productive society can avoid getting in the way of them;

“Whereas, Mr. and Ms. ‘I think I’m all that in my tight blue sweat pants’ should still be allowed to scratch their ‘Lucky 7s’, so long as they don’t impede commerce or fundamental nutrition needs;