I saw the first sign of summer today – an overweight man without a shirt on a riding mower. We averted our eyes and kept driving. Just when we thought we were safe, we saw another one. You don’t see this much skin at the beach. I wanted to roll down the car window and yell, “For God’s sake, man, think of the children!” But Sue puts on the window locks when I’m in the car with her. According to her, yelling out the car window at strangers is “antisocial behavior.”

Antisocial? I’m trying to help the poor guy. Maybe if he put on a shirt and bought a push mower he’d drop a few pounds and have six-pack abs by the end of the summer. It’s one thing for Matthew McConaughey to run around half-naked, it’s another thing for Orson Welles. This is just a guess, but I would say the ratio of shirtless, well-proportioned men using riding mowers to big jelly-bellied men is roughly 99 to one.

Now, I don’t have a perfect body and I’m not trying to promote silly, unhealthy, unattainable bodies. All I’m trying to promote is wearing a shirt while you mow the lawn. Is that too much to ask?