You ever wonder what I do the 364 days between Christmas Eves when I’m not delivering toys? Mostly, I try to figure out what your kids will want this Christmas. You’ll notice that Mrs. Claus and I don’t have any kids. Tell the truth, we don’t even like them that much. Why do you think I come by in the middle of the night? Because they’re asleep, that’s why.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about the job. I pick my own hours, and I’m my own boss. Besides, what else would I do at my age? Become a barista at Starbucks. A greeter at Wal-Mart? But just like any other job, it has its problems. Maybe you heard about the flooding this past summer? No ice at the North Pole for the first time in history. I’ve started to move the whole operation to the South Pole just to be safe. The North Pole is just going to be a mail drop for the next few years until I can send out the change-of-address forms. To make up the cost of the move, every present I deliver for the next 50 years will read, “Some assembly required.”