CNN (Colonial News Network) June 1804

“Nothing has been heard from Lewis and Clark since they left St. Louis in mid-May. They are presumed dead, and the $2,500 Congress gave them to explore the Louisiana Purchase is down the outhouse. Should President Jefferson be impeached? Tonight at 8 p.m., King Larry wonders what kind of president would send these men to their untimely demise merely to explore something most experts say was a useless waste of money. Be sure to watch ‘Is the Jefferson Presidency a Failure or a Disaster?’ tonight, followed by our special report ‘Why, O, Why Didn’t We Elect Aaron Burr President?’ Coming up right after this word from Robert’s Buckled Shoes, poll results showing Jefferson’s approval ratings lower than John Adams’ and 50 points lower than George Washington’s.”

“Robert’s, the first name in buckled footwear. Handmade by the best-trained small children and indentured servants money can buy. Buy one shoe, get the other one free.”

“Have you thought about investing in gold? Many financial advisers recommend gold as a part of a diversified portfolio. Do you know that gold has risen 10,000 percent compared to worthless scrip issued by the Continental Congress? Gold will keep its value during revolutions, currency collapses and runs on any bank. Consider gold.”