Wouldn’t this be a great world if we named our children the way we name ourselves in Internet chat rooms? First grade would be full of kids named Mountainclimber, EggyParms, JerBear, Misscreant, radiogirl, D.AngeloSnutz, Bigguy, Cowboybill, Ladysman, ToastraDamus, SchwarmaDuke, NicCageFan4life and SmoochEPants, instead of Madisons, Ashleys, Jacobs and Ethans. I don’t think I’ve ever chatted with anyone named Joe, Betty, Tom or Sue in a chat room. TyphoidMerry and Cathysclown maybe, but not just plain old Mary or Cathy.

Danceswithwolves, I’d like to introduce you to Westcoastsurfer. He’s married to makespancakesonsaturday. Their real names are Pete and Beverly, but those would make horrible screen names. It’s important that your screen name say what your hobby is, or what you do for a living, or what your politics are, or what kind of sex you like. It’s unlikely that your given name does any of that.

Some screen names are all attitude. There’s nothing like reading a heated argument on health-care reform in a forum consisting of such luminaries as biteme and sosyourmama. They’re both so credible that you don’t know whom to believe. Let me just say that “You lie!” would be the mildest thing bigbadjohn would say in a heated Internet exchange.