I just got my crystal ball back from the cleaners and have looked deep into the coming year. While not every prediction I made last year came true – Tiger Woods did not win the Husband of the Year Award, and Elvis was not discovered working at a Dairy Queen outside Biloxi – I feel much more confident this year. I’m hoping to break 95-percent accuracy for the first time:

The stock market will go up. Then down. Then up. Then down. It will repeat this roughly 364 1/4 times.

President Obama’s popularity will go up. Then down. Up. Then down. It will repeat this roughly 364 1/4 times.

Several sports figures will be caught doing something illegal, immoral or fattening. They will be soundly denounced by alcoholic reporters who have cheated on three different wives and still make illegal sports bets.

Several actors and actresses will go through messy divorces. It will have absolutely no effect on anyone’s life outside of their immediate families, friends and people who subscribe to US Weekly. We will get tired of hearing about it three months before “Entertainment Tonight” does.

Scientists will discover a miracle cure for the one illness you don’t have.

Scientists will discover a cure for that four-hour-long erection, but they won’t tell anyone.

Something you have eaten your whole life will be found to cause cancer in rats. Twenty years from now, they will discover that every rat dies of cancer.