I was trying to keep it a secret, but it’s hard with all the nieces and nephews Twittering, Facebooking and blogging, so I guess it was going to come out sooner or later. I was the guy who bought that Picasso for $106.5 million. I don’t know what I was thinking, I was just caught up in the moment, I guess. I was going to stop at $50 million but some fool on the phone kept bidding it up. He didn’t even have the courtesy to show up at the auction! I was there, and that should count for something. It’s like if the clerk down at the department store were taking an order from a phone customer as I stood in the store, tapping my foot. It’s just rude.

So I decided that I was going to buy it, even though it’s not really my taste. It’s kind of blue and gray and green. I’m more of a yellow, red and brown kind of guy. And it’s a picture of a big naked woman. My mother in-law won’t like that, which was another reason I wanted it.

“I don’t care who painted it,” she’ll say, “It’s pornography. Why don’t you just hang a portrait of Satan on the wall, since you’re so fond of his works. And you with small children in the house.”