Floyd Landis, the disqualified winner of the 2006 Tour de France bicycle race, has admitted that he was taking performance-enhancing drugs. For those of you who don’t follow the sport, it’s a three-week race with cyclists biking more than 100 miles a day, many of those stages taking place in the mountains. It’s a race that makes the Ironman competitions seem like a lazy afternoon of lawn darts and croquet. Floyd Landis won the Tour de France with, for all practical purposes, a broken hip. I watched it the day he pulled away from the lead group and rode straight up a mountain. It was one of the most astounding feats of endurance ever seen.

Now that he’s admitted taking drugs, I just have two questions. Where can I get some of that stuff Floyd was taking, and why aren’t they giving it to everyone? What are we, stupid? They keep saying it’s bad for you, that it will stunt your growth, make you impotent. Yet every night we can watch athletes who have admitted taking PEDs and Human Growth Hormones. They’re playing pro ball long after their peers have dropped out, they’re dating starlets, they’re making babies and tons of money. Gee, I hate to see them wreck their lives like that. What were they thinking?

Whoever makes PEDs should be advertising them every night on the news.