Kitchen tip: Make sure the recipe you are preparing is on cue cards. Things proceed much more smoothly when all you have to do is look up can read, “Add 2 tablespoons unsalted butter.” Of course, you need a responsible cue-card holder. Just last week the clown holding the cue cards had gotten into the cooking sherry and left out a couple of important instructions. I was supposed to saute the garlic and onions first, so we had to start all over from the very beginning. It held up the meal for 20 minutes while the pot washers cleaned the kitchen and the staff chopped more onions and garlic. I used the time to line up another unpaid intern.

“OK, people,” I said, “Let’s try to get this right. This dish says prep time 20 minutes, and it’s taken you 25 minutes just to clean up the mess. Is everyone ready? Then let’s go.”