Could anyone have missed the big news this week? Prince William and Kate Middleton decided to have two different kinds of wedding cakes after their nuptials! It’s probably all they were talking about in Japan, Libya, Syria, Jordan, Bahrain and Yemen. Who wouldn’t be shocked to the core to hear that the young royal couple would flout tradition by having two, count ‘em, two wedding cakes; one traditional and one made just to please Prince William.

While it makes perfect sense that the first-born son of king or queen should become the ruler of a country – after all, what better system could there be – the idea that royals should just make up their own wedding rules willy-nilly is absolutely crazy. Once you start down that road, where will it stop?

What will they do next? Write their own vows? Decide to get married barefoot? Have a shaman officiate the ceremony? What is the point of having royalty if they’re going to go all modern on us and start doing things we commoners do? Why can’t Kate be happy just to know that from now until the end of her life, her slightest gesture, her every haircut, her private phone calls, every outfit she wears, every public and private statement she makes and every leaked email she sends for the rest of her life will be examined under the microscope of the world press like goat entrails at a Roman religious ceremony.