I just got back from a May-December wedding — the bride looked like she was born last May; the groom, last December. If they were any younger, they’d have been wearing formal onesies.

OK, I admit it: Twenty-three-year-olds still look like babies to me, so I guess I’m the problem.

As soon as I got off the plane, I was handed a three-page, single-spaced wedding agenda. How on earth would they stick to such a strict schedule? Every waking moment was planned with military precision. But as someone who’s been to a lot of weddings, I know they never go exactly as planned.

Here is what the wedding agenda looked like in hindsight:

FRIDAY

5:30 to 6:30 p.m.: Church rehearsal. Bride breaks into tears; bride’s father takes a swing at the groom.

7 to 8:30 p.m.: Rehearsal dinner. Maid of honor stalks out after catching her boyfriend flirting with a bridesmaid.

9 to 11 p.m.: Teenage nieces and nephews caught drinking from half-filled glasses while grown-ups dance.

SATURDAY

8 to 10:30 a.m.: Hair and makeup at the Hair House. Mother of the groom mistakes the name for another kind of establishment and says, “I thought so.”

9 to 10:30 a.m.: Groomsmen’s breakfast. Groom gets several phone calls from his mother, asking what kind of woman he is marrying. Groom starts drinking doubles.