Dear Friends,

My husband and I both had a stressful week; different kinds of stress (his was family related and mine was work), and by Friday we were both feeling it and ready for the weekend.

On Friday we were invited to go out to dinner with friends. “Yes!” I thought. Just what I needed. When I asked Blake if he wanted to go, his replied “No.” I quickly said “Why?” “It’s been a stressful week, Babe. All I want to do is relax.” I was confused. Isn’t that what I was offering? A relaxing night out with friends. Then he said “Go, have fun”, and he meant it.

If this scenario sounds familiar, then you, too, are an extrovert married to an introvert.

I am a textbook extrovert. I thrive on being busy, deadlines, meetings and socializing. Being around other people energizes me and makes me happy.

My husband, however, is a classic introvert. It’s draining for him to be around others and socializing. He needs quiet, small groups, and enjoys just being home.

Most people in my professional world have never met my husband. No, I don’t keep him locked up and it’s not that I don’t want him with me. After nearly fourteen years of marriage, we understand what each of us needs and many times it’s the opposite of what the other person wants.

It wasn’t always this way. In fact, it took us a long time to really understand what the other person needed and how to verbalize it to each other in a way that the other understood, without arguing or hurt feelings.

Many years ago, I was talking with a good friend of mine about my husband. I was really upset because he had just told me that he didn’t want to go on our annual beach vacation with our friends and the kids.

This vacation is something we have been doing our entire marriage; it’s something I did with my group of friends before we were all married and it’s a tradition we kept going through the years.

I was so upset that he didn’t want to go. He knew how important this trip was for me, how much the kids and I loved the beach, how I needed this time to unplug. He didn’t want to go … to the beach?! It made no sense to me – a whole week of R&R and he just says, “no thank you, go without me.”

On top of feeling hurt, I was embarrassed. All of my friends were going with their husbands. I dreaded trying to explain to them why he wasn’t coming and worried they would think it was because he didn’t like them. I had flashes of watching the sunset alone, sleeping alone, no one to smile with or make memories with when our kids did something cute or silly. And how was he ok with his family taking off for a week without him?

As I shared what was happening with my friend, trying to make sense of it, she asked me if he had enjoyed previous vacations like this. I thought about it. No, actually, he was always really quiet, stayed back at the house when we went to the beach and to be honest, we would end up in some sort of argument at some point of the week, which was also stressful and embarrassing.

That’s when she shared with me that she, too, was an introvert and was married to an extrovert.

She explained how exhausting it was to be around people all the time. How, when you are an introvert, all you crave is silence, time away from everyone and how you needed the quiet and solitude to recharge.

She said, “Imagine how you would feel if you were stuck in a room all alone for a week and couldn’t talk to anyone.” I thought about for a minute, and I said “That would be torture. I would be bored, anxious and clawing my way out.” She said “Yes. That’s exactly how your husband feels “trapped” in a house for a week with that many people. It’s draining, he gets anxious, can’t explain his feelings and then he gets grumpy.”

I sat back, stunned. For the first time in many years of marriage I finally understood what was going on. It was the mirror that I needed, explained by someone who has been through the same exact thing and could explain it in a way he never could verbalize.

Years of arguments flashed by.

Times that he didn’t want to attend an event, a party or a BBQ and I went alone, feeling abandoned. Times he did go, because I insisted, and then sat by himself in the corner, barely talking to anyone. Times he left early because he had enough, and I wasn’t ready to leave yet.

What I never understood was, it was never about me. It was never about my friends. It was 100% about him and what he needed.

By him telling me he didn’t want to go on vacation, he was trying to protect himself from something that made him uncomfortable. To top it off, he’s a guy and has trouble expressing his feelings. I apologize for the generalization here, but you know that most of you are not great at sharing your feelings. It took a female friend, who has been in his exact shoes, to explain it to me. To see this through his eyes, in his shoes, completely changed our relationship.

That day I came home and shared my newfound realization of what happening. He looked at me and said “Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying”. If you are rolling your eyes, know that I did too.

How can an extrovert-introvert relationship work? Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Before attending anything together we discuss it first. If I plan on staying longer than him, I drive separately. If we agree on a set time, then we need to be respectful of one another and adhere to the plan. If I want to go somewhere he doesn’t, he doesn’t give me a hard time about it and in turn, we make sure that we carve out alone time together. Ultimately, I had to get comfortable knowing that there would be things I would be doing alone, and I needed to be ok with that.

While opposites do attract, you also need to find a common ground; we are proof that it can work.

Be well,

~ Kerri

The views and opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views and positions of any entity that this author represents.