During a recent chat with my friend Mary, we got to talking about names. You know, those things your mother called out when you were late to dinner, or that your first boyfriend slobbered into your ear during the first pangs of love.

As our conversation proceeded, we bemoaned the loss of names like Betty, Nancy, Alice, and Doris which nowadays nobody seems to have. I do know three Marys; but they are all over 50.

Then, inspired by who-knows-what, I suddenly began to sing:

“For it is Mary, Mary
Plain as any name can be...”

I have always loved that song. It’s was written by George M. Cohan for a 1906 musical, and charmingly sung by James Cagney in the movie Yankee Doodle Dandy.

After I stopped singing, Mary and I continued to reminisce about girlfriends from our faraway past. Gals with gentle and unpretentious names that didn’t overshadow their personalities …rather than the burdensome appellations being inflicted on today’s children. Weird, androgynous names such as Addison, Isle, Everest, Nyla, Haven, Oakley, Sawyer, Sailor, Madison, Alaska, Mason, Morgan, and … who know? Maybe even Moonshine, Multiplex, or Morpheus!

Although I like many things about Elon Musk, particularly his irascibility and contrariness, when he named his new son "X Æ A-12,"  he fell into that dismal category of individuals whose children seem to have been born to represent a political or philosophic belief system, instead of the joy of rearing an uncomplicated and innocent child.

As Musk obtusely explained in an interview with Joe Rogan: “"First of all, my partner's the one that mostly came up with the name. I mean it’s just X, the letter X, um, and the 'Æ' is pronounced, 'Ash,' and then, A-12 is my contribution … for Archangel 12, the precursor to the SR-71, coolest plane ever."

To which one feels the necessity to respond: Huh?

Other bizarre celebrity-kid names:

REIGN – Child of Kim Kardashian  and  Kanye West (who re-named himself “Ye.” As in “Ye Old Anti-Semite.”)

APPLE – daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow.

RADDIX – child of Cameron Diaz and someone I never heard of.

Moroccan  and  Monroe – children of Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey.

Kal-El – son of Nicolas Cage.

Zolten (son)  and Moxie CrimeFighter. (daughter) – children of Penn Jillette, the magician.

Can’t you just hear them now in the backyard, calling to their kids: “CrimeFighter! Raddix! Kal-El Daddy’s got the hotdogs on the grill. Come wash your hands for dinner.”

Although, it would probably more likely be, “Reign, Apple, Moroccan and Monroe, hurry up and get your protest signs, or we’ll be late for the Vegan Day Parade.”

Over the past 20 or 30 years, instead of adults having children, many are giving birth to slogans. One lady I particularly like, having been convinced that a baby’s moniker should symbolize racial pride, consulted a list of African names on the Internet, and bestowed on her new son the appellation: Akpofure. When she returned to work after her pregnancy leave, I asked her what she had named her baby, and she paused for a second, shrugged, and said, “I have to look it up. I forgot.”

Great gift to give a child – courtesy of a society that politicizes parenthood -- a name so complicated that not ever his mother can remember or spell it. A recipe for disaster at recess (are there still recesses?) at school, or later in life, when looking for a job.

To wit … I refer you to Johnny Cash’s memorable song: “A Boy Named Sue.”

All of which brings us back to George M. Cohen and the song “Mary:”

“… with propriety, society will say Marie
But it was Mary, Mary
Long before the fashions came…”

Then my friend Mary (not the one is the song) and I had great fun listing more childhood chums with names far too innocent to be popular today. Ones like Bonnie, Laurie, Diane, Anita, Ann, Beverly, Carol, Connie, Cynthia, Debby, Dorothy (with or without her dog Toto), Ellen, Linda, Elaine, Eileen, Gloria, Gail, Helen, Joan, Janet, Joyce, Kathy, Martha, Marjorie, Milly, Peggy, Phyllis, Rita, Robin, Sally (love that name!), Susan, Valeria, Virginia, and Wendy (with or without Peter Pan.)

Sweet names. Girl names instead of names appropriate to either or neither sex and/or products that could be sold for $14.50 on Amazon: “Hurry up and buy your new Raddix before we run out of stock.”

Too … too weird.

Ergo, I hereby resolve that the next imaginary dog I have, I will name “Spot.” And the next imaginary child I have, I will name “Beth.”

Back to James Cagney singing “Mary” in Yankee Doodle Dandy:

“And there is something there that sounds so square
It's a grand old name.”

Copyright © Shelly Reuben, 2024. Shelly Reuben’s books have been nominated for Edgar, Prometheus, and Falcon awards. For more about her writing, visit www.shellyreuben.com