It was at a mystery writer’s convention many years ago that I first saw Peter Lovesey perform “The Autopsy Song” – a wickedly funny poem that mocks contemporary crime writers who “gore-ify” (take a regular homicide and make it gory) death. I was enchanted. Partly because Peter is so talented. Mostly because his poem satirized an uncomfortable reality. That mystery readers had developed a taste for viscera spilling out of slashed stomachs as opposed to character development, motivation, plot, and the impressive reasoning powers of the detective.

On December 3, Peter Lovesey’s new novel, Against the Grain, is being published by Soho Press. It will be – he recently announced – the grand finale of his marvelous Peter Diamond detective series. Henceforth, Peter will be writing short stories instead of books.

In honor of this celebratory transition, I want to introduce the uninitiated to Peter’s wonderful mysteries with an excerpt from a Publisher’s Weekly (adulatory) pre-publication review:

“Lovesey concludes his long-running series featuring Bath detective Peter Diamond with a bang, delivering an ingenious fair-play whodunit set in the small English village of Baskerville as the annual harvest festival approaches … Lovesey derives genuine emotion from Diamond’s potential retirement, and his golden age-style plotting is as tight as ever. This sends the series out on a high note.”

For those unfamiliar with mystery-novel lingo: “Fair-play” describes the requirement for writers of traditional mysteries to dole out the exact same clues to readers as are discovered by the story’s detective. Thus, the writers are “playing fair.” It also means that the case must not be solved by mystical, magical, or supernatural means, like bolts of lightning or acts of God.

“Golden age-style plotting” refers to the stringent requirements practiced by detective fiction writers during the years between the end of World War I and 1939. This includes luminaries such as Agatha Christie, Dorothy L. Sayers, G. K. Chesterton, John Creasey, James M. Cain, Erle Stanley Gardner, Rex Stout, Georges Simenon, and so on.

As to giants like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Wilkie Collins, Charles Dickens, Edgar Allan Poe, and even Dostoyevsky (we can’t forget Crime and Punishment), theirs were the shoulders upon which their talented followers stood. By which I mean … they CREATED the genre.

Despite fans having moved beyond Golden Age mysteries to other types of crime fiction – or as curmudgeonly critic Edmund Wilson (he hated The Lord of the Rings) so cynically wrote: “Who Cares Who Killed Roger Ackroyd” – traditional mysteries still have a multitude of fans, and Peter Lovesey is one of their favorites.

The awards he has received are too numerous to mention, but I’ll give you a Whitman’s Sampler here, and refer you to his website for the rest: LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS from: Bouchercon; The Strand Critics; Malice Domestic; and (sit down for this one) The British Crime Writer Association’s Cartier Diamond Dagger Award. Cool. Huh? He also swept away the competition with a Grand Master from the Mystery Writers of American, as well as assorted Anthony, McCavity, and Silver and Gold Dagger Awards.

The guy is a marvel.

Not only is Peter Lovesey handsome, he has a beautiful and talented wife. The first time I saw him and Jax together, they were dancing at one of the mystery writer award banquet balls I used to attend. He, tall, dapper, and elegant in his black tuxedo, and she, slim as a candle in a stunning black gown. They looked like movie stars. To my mind, they ARE movie stars.

On a more personal level, Peter passed my litmus test for friendship by possessing one of my all-time favorite characteristics. He makes me laugh.

Speaking of which, it’s about time that I shared with you his devilishly delicious poem about those who are usurping our profession with … Chortle. Chortle. I’ll let him tell you himself.

Here goes:

PETER LOVESEY – THE AUTOPSY SONG

As an ancient crime writer I have to confess

That there’s only one rule for a sure-fire success:

Fill your book up with characters sexy and mean

And start chapter one with an autopsy scene

And start chapter one with an autopsy scene.

Your detective should be a female private eye

Or a crime-solving cat or a cross-dressing guy.

But who you bump off doesn’t matter a bean

As long as you give them an autopsy scene.

As long as you give them an autopsy scene.

Now Patric-ia Cornwell is on a good thing

Among the best sellers with Grisham and King.

Read her after a meal and you turn slightly green,

For she leaves nothing out of her autopsy scene.

For she leaves nothing out of her autopsy scene.

A brilliant crime writer ran out of ideas,

So he went to the pub and he had a few beers.

Then he stepped straight in front of a stretch limousine.

Now he’s got the star part in the autopsy scene.

Now he’s got the star part in the autopsy scene.

If you take my advice you’ll win every award.

You’ll be honoured and feted at home and abroad.

So don’t be surprised when you hear from the Queen:

“What one really enjoyed was the autopsy scene.”

“What one really enjoyed was the autopsy scene.”

Peter Lovesey wrote 22 books about his quasi-namesake Peter Diamond. He has also written a mystery series featuring Sergeant Cribb, stand-alone novels, histories of athletes, dozens of short stories … and more. Not only can I guarantee you years of enjoyment once you start reading his books, I can also offer you a felicitous alternative to enduring yet another, grisly, ghastly, and grotesque (if you read it after a meal, you will “turn slightly green”) …

Autopsy Scene!

Copyright © Shelly Reuben, 2024. Shelly Reuben’s books have been nominated for Edgar, Prometheus, and Falcon awards. For more about her writing, visit www.shellyreuben.com